My first
letter to a local newspaper: another exciting step on the long road to
utter loserdom. I think I got the air of mild dottiness that defines
pretty much all letters to such organs, but I don't think the buggers
at the Surrey Comet had the testicles to print it. Actually, I have no
idea - I didn't bother to check. I just assume they didn't.
---
Sir,
To
the asian man in the people carrier who just tried to run me over at
the exit to Waitrose Car Park in New Malden, then wound down his window
to shout at me: no, sir, you're completely wrong. It's a pavement, I
have right of way. You already have complete, terrifying mastery of the
roads - please allow me the small pleasure of being able to walk along
a pavement without having to be on constant guard for lusty
automobiles. Where else can I walk with some degree of freedom? I don't
particularly wish to have to resort to clambering across peoples' front
gardens instead - I dare say dogs will chase me and residents will
shake fists at me, or possibly even call the police.
Yours etc,
New Malden
---
In
other, local news, a family having a meal at New Malden Pizza Piazza
were subjected to a bizarre wee attack. A man came into the restaurant
with some piss in a see-through bag, threw it over the family, then ran
away again. The owner of the restaurant, in sympathy, did not charge
the family for their meal.
My immediate thought was that the
whole thing was a crafty and elaborate ruse to get free pizza.
Piddle-bag man and the family were clearly in cahoots. It probably
wasn't even human urine - it may have just been dog piss. New Malden
Pizza Piazza manager man, you are far too trusting.
