2 posts tagged “emo dan”
It is estimated that 62 billion emails are sent every single day. Of these, 40 billion of them are advertising fabulous penis pumping opportunities. Ten billion are about pyramid schemes, which never turn out to be about building pyramids; this is a shame, because we need some new pyramids. The old ones are looking a bit knackered.
Of the twelve billion remaining emails, some of them are even worth reading. Here's a selection of some of the bits of communication that have found their way into my various gaping e-orifices over the course of today.
Enjoy.
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From Geoff to me:
"I got an incomprehensible message from your new friend last night. Something about 'cock to the bop, tennis to the top'? I don't understand although I suspect I probably don't want to."
Me to Lisa:
"The good news, anyway, is that Emo Dan is actually going to write a fanzine all about being Emo Dan. I've no idea whether he wants Geoff and I to help him, but we'll make sure he actually does it. It's quite sweet - you've got him wrapped around your little finger, you do. You have everyone in Nottingham wrapped around your little finger, come to think of it. I hope you plan to use this power for good, not evil."
Lisa to me:
"I'm really excited about the Emo Dan fanzine. I think it's going to be great and everything I ever dreamed about. I have checked my finger and there isn't anyone even perched on it, let alone wrapped around it, so I think perhaps you are mistaken. Are you telling me that Emo Dan loves me? I hope you are. Oh, to be loved by Emo Dan.
TastySam wants to destroy Emo Dan. Poor Emo Dan."
On learning this, Geoff to me:
"Oh dear, what have you done? It's like watching the cream of Nottingham bowlie society curdle before my eyes. Lisa will leave Sam for Emo Dan and will accidentally kill herself cutting her arm to try and impress him. Sam will descend into a deepening drink fueled depression and he and JamieC will be jailed when they are found trying to assassinate Emo Dan by smuggling a crude home made bomb into Rock City under their cardigans. The rest will then slowly dissipate into the ether leaving Emo Dan standing astride Nottingham like a colossus cackling evilly as his army of fat, pasty faced, miserable teenagers sweep all before them and London, Manchester and Sheffield are left as the last bastions of indie."
Unrelatedly, Gina to me:
"I worked in recruitment for a while, it was certainly eye opening. My favourite was a girl who applied to be sales manager of some big chain store, it was like 50k or something. Her experience was that she worked in New Look at the weekends. Oh, and some of the CVs were hilarious too: were my favourite CV was a man who put in his interests bit :- 'I have a large collection of Toby Jugs, one of which is worth over forty pounds'"
Geoff on his landlord:
"I was on the receiving end of a spectacular all encompassing rant from Steve last night which ranged from the planning system to the free market economy as a provider of cheap shoes and hats to council employees on their lunch break and segued effortlessly into the non reaction of Muscovites to seeing cockroaches in a shop. You wouldn't think there was enough room in all the barely comprehensible self righteous indignation to shoe horn in a denunciation of socialism but he managed it somehow.
Sadly the only thing which really surprised me was he managed to go on for ten minutes working himself into a real lather without saying anything racist. He's slipping in his old age."
Paul (via Byron) to King Nathan 'hey I know guys why don't we meet at that pub right next to my house?' Williams:
"Nathan,
Think'st thou there is no tyranny but that Of blood and chains? The despotism of vice-- The weakness and the wickedness of luxury-- The negligence--the apathy--the evils Of sensual sloth--produces ten thousand tyrants, Whose delegated cruelty surpasses The worst acts of one energetic master, However harsh and hard in his own bearing."
And finally, from ebay:
"You are currently the high bidder for the following eBay item: GIRAFFE DESIGN SKIPPING ROPE"
Hello,
I've just got back from Nottingham.I went to see GEOFF and Emo Dan, and to hang out with the Nottingham indie oligarchy for the occasion of a couple of 30th birthdays. I had a really lovely time, to the extent that today I've been flitting around the London tube network singing Dexy's songs to myself and anyone who has had the misfortune to be near me. So, I thought I'd get myself a nice mug of tea and write down a few recollections from the night before they vanish from my unphotographic memory faster than you can say 'memento'.
- Being sat listening to midlands poet laureate MJ Hibbett with a pint of ale and a handfull of wotsits, watching girls in pretty dresses dancing along to 'the lesson of the smiths' ("remember the lesson of the smiths - just because a bunch of wankers like it doesn't mean that it's shit'). And feeling like I'd discovered the secret elixir of happiness.
- Emo Dan's emo response to Hibbett's song about finding pleasure in inconsequentia, 'Easily Impressed': 'your philosophy of joy won't affect me'.
- Showing everyone my amazing Communism bruise, which appears to be changing colour more often than Jesus.
- Wearing a lovely gold medal saying 'winner', which a drunk woman of easy virtue decided I had been awarded by Emo Dan, who was, in her interesting version of reality, my gay lover, and he's walked into my room and seen my cock, then given me a medal because it was so large. We argued that, surely, if he was my gay lover, then he'd have seen my cock before, and wouldn't have been so award-distributingly impressed by its mighty size. She was having none of it.
- Going back to Hannah's flat, and singing singstar, and listening to Lisa and Emo Dan talk about being health care professionals (one cuts the corns off old people, and is relieved when they're dead so she gets the afternoon off; the other mixes potions). And Lisa cunningly getting Emo Dan to reveal the spectacular extent of his massive, non-emo salary
- Being made to dance to terrible (ie brilliant) Britpop by/with Lisa, while doing lots of twirling.
It was all lovely, anyway. I love Geoff and Emo Dan, I do.
